"If he's only 25 I'll show my arse in the bank foyer". Dennis Peters on Sunday league striker David Bailey. "My secretary will contact you for an appointment." 25 year old bank manager David Bailey
"The only way we're going to get anything out of today is if we rifle the changing rooms..." North West Kitchens' player/manager Russ Perrett, 3-0 down after 30 minutes vs Excelsior
"Don't EVER send that team here again, they're a bad influence on the prisoners!" Kirkham Prison officer Neil Pheasant on Blackpool Combination side Times Past Fireplaces to League boss Dennis Peters
"Mark Spedding and Barry Cropp are now friends." Facebook - Feb 09
"Photo's of Barney (326)" Taken from introvert Barney Woolcock's Facebook page.
"Put a bit of milk in that for us will ya!" Quills striker Leigh Broadbent cheekily passes his McDonalds bought coffee to Brian at the Commonedge Butty Bar for extra milk.
"I would rather have lost the League than conceded THAT goal, I'll never hear the end of this..." Mark Spedding after Danny Rossie scored against Quilligans for Devvy
"We asked all the players to show a bit of pride in the jersey and I think they showed that tonight." Brighton manager Micky Adams after the 0-0 draw with Leicester, where a kit clash meant they had the wear the Foxes' away strip.
"This is supposed to make us world champions. of What? Masturbation?" Luis Pereira, Brazil player, on his country's policy of no women in their camp, World Cup finals, 1974
"There have been lots of rumours about players sleeping with each other's wives. But it's not true. We're all pulling together." Fabien Wilnis, Ipswich defender, 2001.
"Q: Girl Groupies?, A: Last year I got more Valentine's cards off blokes than girls. They write love poems. it's scary." Matt Jansen, Blackburn player in newspaper questionnaire, 2001.
"On my debut for Besiktas they sacrificed a lamb on the pitch. Its blood was daubed on my forehead for good luck. They never did that at QPR." Les Ferdinand, England striker, recalling his spell at Turkey, 1995.
"A policeman called me at home. Friday night again. He'd caught a dozen courting couples in the stand and asked me what to do with them. I told him to fix the bloody fence and board 'em in. Best gate of the season it would've been." Fred Westgarth, Hartlepool's manager, 1957.
‘I was there and it was awful. Thierry should have dropped his trousers and moonied them, too.’ Gooner Piers Morgan's view on Henry's celebration in front of the Spurs fans after scoring for Arsenal.
"At home they have a few drinks and probably the prawn sandwiches, and they don't realise what's going on out on the pitch. I don't think some of the people who come to Old Trafford can spell football, never mind understand it." Manchester United skipper Roy Keane and the legendary prawn sandwich comment.
"The cannabis may have helped relax them. Even the hooligans enjoyed the party." Dutch police spokesman on the good behaviour of England fans at the Euro 2000 match against Portugal
"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today but we've pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much…
"I knew it wasn't going to be our day when I arrived at Links Park and found that we had a woman running the line. She should be at home making the tea or the dinner for her man who comes in after he has been to the football." Albion boss Peter Hetherston on lineswoman Morag Pirie after his side lost to Montrose.
"He's the only man I know who could start an argument with himself." Sir Bobby Robson - his assessment of Craig Bellamy
"After having studied the whole unsavoury incident on 43 occasions, including slow-motion replays, we have decided against implementing a rule that spectators should remain clothed at all times." A statement from World Indoor Championship Bowls officials after the sport gained its first streaker in the shape of Tracy Serge